Hi! Not much to say about this story, except that it's a stand-alone story that has no continuing parts off of it. It takes place while Mamoru's 15 years old, living in an orphanege in a town just outside Tokyo, which is slightly different from the actual anime or manga of Sailor Moon. These author's notes are short, so there's no more notes at the bottom. I said in "Surprises" Part 10 this story was called "Tears," but that was an error. This is rated PG-13, for some heavy language and a slightly mature plotline. Happy holidays! ^_^ -Lianne (LianneSen@aol.com) *Sailor Moon and all its characters are copyright Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha Ltd./Toei Animation, Co., Ltd. and the English adaptation is copyright 1995 DIC productions, LP. This story is copyright Lianne Sentar, December 1997. **DOWN WITH DUB-BASHING!!! *Lost Tears* I closed my eyes. God, let them go away, PLEASE let them go away...I don't know if I can stand another day of this. But they remain. Those worn, tired faces staring at me, hatred and loathing in their eyes. I know they don't like me. But can't they just leave me alone? I tried to ignore them, but it didn't work, I tried to play with the clover in my hand as if I didn't see them or care they're there, but they know it's an act. They know. Sometimes, I think they know everything I feel. It started again. It was Kasuke this time. But it could've been anyone. "Mamoru!" It's not my name, I tried to convince myself. It's NOT my name; they're NOT calling me. But my hopeless excuses can by no means overpower my knowing of the inevitable and unavoidable. I didn't bother to look up. "Yeah." Kasuke crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes menacingly. "LOOK at me when you're talking." I gave a hoarse laugh; or else, I tried to, but I think it came out hoarser than I intended. "Is that bothering you?" "It shows no RESPECT. Something you OWE us, Chiba Mamoru." "Owe you?" I said in a low voice. These boys, the hatred in their eyes, the hatred in his voice - what respect do I owe THEM? They don't even hate me for a good reason. "Owe us." Kasuke's voice grated. "For putting up with you." I felt the anger rise up in me. Like a fountain, starting in my stomach and bubbling up and to my arms. My fist clenched and the clover was crushed into a wet, dark green mass sliding against the palm of my hand. I whipped my head up, eyes flashing with anger. "Putting UP with me?" My voice was more calm and level than I thought I could make it. Kasuke's green eyes glared calmly at me. "My girlfriend left me yesterday." I was silent, my anger burning in my eyes as he went on. "She said she didn't like how I don't get along with you, and we got in a fight. She left me. You know what *I* think?" Like I wanted to hear it. My hand tightened over the clover, the green squeezing between my fingers. "What?" I said through clenched teeth. "That you were seein' her behind my back." His eyes were flat and his tone icy. That was it. That was ABSOLUTELY *IT*. "What the HELL are you talking about!" My voice burned on the words. Kasuke shook with anger. "Don't you DARE yell at me, you son of a bitch! What the hell do you THINK I'm saying?" I stood apart from the tree I had been leaning against, my arms jarring with anger. "Your GIRLFRIEND is a friend of mine." Kasuke's eyes burned. "A friend? And do friends USUALLY do each other?" The anger in me exploded. The fountain stopped bubbling in a linear manner and just blew up, its waters of anger splashing and foaming throughout me. "You TAKE that BACK!!!" Kasuke clenched his fists. "You're gonna GET yours, Chiba. And I'm gonna be the one to give it to you." I was ready to burst. "You bastard!" I nearly screamed. "You didn't deserve her! You have no respect for her! It's no WONDER she left you!" Kasuke lost it. The wild look in those eyes told me he had completely had it. He ran at me with a roar and tackled me to the ground. My anger at this point had inhibited me like a drug, and I was ready to rip him apart. We fought each other like animals, tearing and clawing and going for blood. I didn't notice all the blows he was landing on me; I only focused on destroying him. I had had it. All this time, all that had had happened, after all the nights I sat alone in a dark, barely-touched-by moonlight corner hugging myself, crying myself to sleep - I couldn't take this with it. I couldn't think. I only attacked. I didn't hear the feminine gasp nearby. But her words somehow managed to reach my ears. "Mamoru! Kasuke! Stop it!" I couldn't have stopped even if I wanted to. My fists, my arms - they continued to lash and tear. As did he. I don't know if either of us was winning - we were killing each other, but we only used feral fighting and ignored any personal injuries. Much longer, and we probably would've broken each other. Beyond repair. A pair of female hands took my arms, trying to pull Kasuke and me apart. They were long, slender hands, but they had strength to them. They pulled at us with urgency and worry, trying to seperate us. "Stop it! Stop! Kasuke, don't! Mamoru! Stop!" I eventually felt Kasuke slacken. I recognized the voice. Masako. I felt my urge to fight slowly fade. She quickly pulled me back and stood me up, her hands rested on my chest worriedly as she looked over at Kasuke, her voice urgently concerned and close to tears. "Kasuke!" she cried. "Why are you always doing things like this?!" His eyes went flat. "I don't care about your opinion anymore, whore. I know you were sleepin' with Mamoru behind my back." "Are you CRAZY?!" she screamed. "You bastard! Why can't you just realize he's my FRIEND?! Why can't you just LEAVE HIM ALONE?! He hasn't done ANYTHING to you!!" Kasuke stared hard at her. "Good-bye, bitch," he hissed coldly, then walked away. Masako watched him go, her deep brown eyes silent. She pulled me gently, her soft hands delicately running over my shoulders and softly gripping my arm, leading me away from the group of boys that still stood, silent and foreboding, in watching. "C'mon," she said quickly. "I've gotta wash you up." I let her lead me, not really caring. I could feel the bruises and cuts around my body, but I didn't care. The anger that had run me like a drug now left me with the low, depressed feeling a drug would. She brought me behind one of the gray stone walls of my orphanege where a faucet tap was attatched to the wall. She pulled me to a sitting position on the grass across from her. "Oh, Mamoru," she sighed as her slim hands quickly turned on the faucet and pulled a handkerchief out of her pocket. "You look awful." I was silent as she dipped the handkerchief in the thin stream of noisy water and started gently dabbing my face with it. I closed my eyes painfully as the small cuts stung under the water's touch. She clicked her tongue across the roof of her mouth in a small sound of pity, then softly reached up and touched my eyelid. I cracked open my eyes at her, and she smiled awkwardly. "You got a black eye, Mamoru-kun." I looked down and breathed an affirmative. She continued to softly dab at my bruises. She was very gentle and caring with it, and there was something about her care that made me feel like something was different about her... A soft fingertip touched my cheek. I looked up, and I saw her to be staring at me, deep into my eyes. Something swam in hers, and I couldn't place it... "Masako," I asked quietly. I had to ask her. It was tugging on my mind too hard. "Did...did you really leave Kasuke?" Masako looked down. She let out a heavy breath, then dipped the handkerchief in the water again. "Hai. Yesterday." "How?" I whispered. She looked up at me, then sighed again. "We...got in a fight. I told him I didn't like how he picks on you so much, and he got upset. We started yelling, and he accused me of seeing you behind his back. I got so mad I just left, and told him it was over." She dabbed at my eye as she went on in an emotionless voice, "I'm not sorry I did it." I slumped my shoulders tiredly. "I'm glad you did it." She suddenly gave a start. "You are?" I looked at her strangely. "Well...yeah. Why wouldn't I be? You're my best friend. I don't wanna see you take any crap from that asshole." Something swam through her eyes, and they almost seemed to quiver. "Mamoru," she breathed. Something about her suddenly scared me. But the feeling left as abruptly as it had come, so I blinked to get back on track. "Masako, why did you... defend me yesterday if you knew he wouldn't wanna hear it?" My throat went dry as her eyes quivered more. Something was wrong... "Mamoru," she whispered shakily. "I...I care...about...you..." The words didn't fit right in my mind. And the way she said them... She suddenly kissed me. Her slender arms thrown about my neck, her soft lips pressed against mine...I couldn't think straight. Everything was outworldly, like in a dream. I just sat there in complete shock for a second before I finally realized what was happening, and I jerked away abruptly. I threw my fingers to my lips, feeling where she had pressed hers...I choked, feeling tears coming to my eyes. "Masa...Masa...ko...NO! What... NO!" Her eyes were watery and deep, and they blinked in intensity. "Mamoru," she breathed. "I...I love you...I've loved you for so long...I..." "NO!" I cried, tears spilling out of my eyes, the salt making the cuts on my face sting. I hardly felt it. "Masako...I thought you were my FRIEND!" Her eyes were like swimming tiger's eyes. They seemed to spill into themselves like liquid pools. "I...I AM your friend, Mamoru...but...but I've... fallen in love with you...I...I love you...Mamoru..." "NO!" I screamed. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't have stopped them even if I had wanted to. "Masako, WHY?! You... you CAN'T! You...you...NO! NO!" I saw tears form in her eyes. "Mamoru..." She reached towards me softly, but I jerked back, staying out of reach of those slender fingers. I felt like they would burn through me if they touched me again. "Mamoru..." "No! Masako...please! PLEASE! DON'T!" I stumbled to my feet, my body shaking. She got up to her knees. "Mamoru..." I ran away as fast as I could, my mind reeling. The grass of the courtyard was blurry through my tears, and all the colors - the gray stone, the brown trees, the green grass - swirled through my vision. I could hear her call out to me, but I hardly noticed it as my chest racked with my hiccupy breathing, fighting for every breath...My palm smashed awkwardly against the door knob of the front entrance, fumbling to open it and stumble in. My sneakers felt heavy as lead as I thunked as quickly as I could up the stairs and stumbled through the hallway. I could hardly breathe, the lump in my throat choking me as I pushed open the door to my room and slammed it shut behind me. I collapsed onto my bed, crying brokenly. Why? Why was this always happening to me? Why couldn't I UNDERSTAND anything? I could hardly focus as blurred, jumbled visions splashed through my mind. None of them were pleasant. They only made me sink further into my despair. Why couldn't I remember my life before it had turned into hell? Why? What had I DONE that had made me deserve to live such emptiness, such loss? The boys that always stared at me, their eyes expressing their hate without words. Why? Why did they always stare, trying to scare me or provoke me into fights with their groups? They knew I was different. *I* knew I was different. But why did I have to live as such an outsider because of it? I don't KNOW what's different about me, nor do I know why I DO have it. I never asked for it. I never WANTED it. What IS it? And why is it a part of ME? What did I do to deserve it? I was so wrong...that day HADN'T been like all the others, with Kasuke only wanting to start a fight. Masako...he had wanted to fight me because of Masako...why had she turned on me? Why did she LOVE me? I don't UNDERSTAND love. It scared me, scared me even worse than the thought of getting into an accident again, of getting in a fight. All those things I knew how to deal with. But love...I can't handle it. I've never felt it, and I don't know how to deal with it. But something about the love she had thrust on me...it felt wrong. I didn't WANT her love. I didn't WANT her love! Oh, God, why did she have to LOVE ME?! Now I've lost her. I can never look into those deep eyes again and not feel wrong. I've lost the only friend I've ever had, because I can never be the same with her. Masako, WHY?! Why couldn't you have just stayed my friend?! I need you, but I can never be with you again! I've lost you forever. Masako, WHY?! Why... why did you...have to...leave me... I curled up on my bed and cried harder. The pillow soaked up my tears, my arms clutching it tightly. There was nothing left. So little to start out with, and now not even what I had had. Nothing. I was a shadow, a mist - I had no substance. All of the hope I had always clutched to disappeared like smoke in my hands, and I dissolved with it. Without hope, I'm gone. I rolled over on the bed, looking out my window. The sun had started to dip towards the horizon, a blazing orange sphere reflected in my watery crystal blue eyes. The sun. My guardian planet. I closed my eyes as I felt the tears squeeze out from under my eyelashes and roll to my bedcover. God, I need you. PLEASE, I NEED you! What is there for me? What can I do to escape from this? Is there anything LEFT for me in this life? Please, GOD...! I opened my eyes slowly, the tears still rolling down my face, but my crying gone. I slowly got up and walked to the window, gazing out at the sun. Its fierce golden rays beamed on my face, warming the tears that slipped silently on my skin. The tears slowly subsided, then stopped coming. I looked through half-closed eyes as the orange faded under the horizon, then walked silently to my closet. I opened it, looking at the few belongings I owned. I took down the one picture of my parents I had, with me as a five-year-old standing with their hands on my shoulders. My eyes in the picture were so light and happy - what were they like now? I looked into my closet mirror. The blue eyes that stared back at me were deeper, darker, empty. Pained. Uncertain, and without hope. I put the picture on my bed, gently touching it with a single finger. I could start over. I would be sixteen in a few weeks, and I could get a job. The savings I had left from my parents was in the bank, and I knew how to get it. I could go somwhere, get a place to live, go to a new school... I knew I could survive on my own. I would leave the orphanege. Start over. But the orphanege would look for me. I couldn't stay in town. They would bring me back. I COULDN'T come back. Not now. Where would I go? Tokyo. It was nearby, I could catch a bus...I would live in Tokyo. I started packing my things. Something on my desk caught my eye. It was a thin, clear vase, containing a red rose. I slowly put down what I was holding and walked to it, picking it up. I fingered one of the thick, soft petals between my fingers. It was so soft, its deep red soaking into my eyes like blood in water. It smelled serene and strong. I breathed it in gently, closing my eyes. It had strength. I needed strength. I would be strong. ************************* The next morning, Masako walked quietly down the hall, her shoes making soft clicks on the stone floors. She came to the door she knew, then bit her lip. She slowly reached up, then knocked softly. "Mamoru?" No answer. She tried again, but again got no response. She gently opened the door. What she saw made her stop. Her eyes swam a moment, deep pools of emotion, her hand still at her side. Her eyes welled up with tears, and she ran off crying down the hall, slamming the door to the orphanege behind her. His room was empty. All belongings had been taken from the closet and desk, leaving only the orphanege furniture. The room was silent and empty, at last free of the pain and misunderstanding of a single, lonely boy. And, on the center of the neatly made bed, lay a single red rose.